The one I'd love to find

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman


Well, I can't tell if this guy who said that is gay, but he surely isn't a normal man. I mean, he is talking about vulnerability, pain and even crying..
I've always thought men to be so cold and heartless- I still do.
I always wonder if a guy feels half of the things I feel about him.
Maybe I'm too biased, I don't know. Or just too upset right now.
It so happens that I agree- even with the smallest word in this quote. Maybe this is a side of love. Love. Hah. It sounds so funny. It has lost its meaning in our day and age. I'd be glad if I had existed 50 years ago. When expressing your feelings was not a bad thing, or an embarrassing one. When people had to go through real shit in their lives and yet they always made it. When couples did quarrel, but didn't break up after their first conflict. When a man offered a flower to his beloved one and it was like he was offering her the whole world. Nothing complicated. Just straight, simple things.
I have to admit that I sometimes feel like hating love, but if I do so I'll just become like the rest. I'll be weak too. Cause you know, it takes too much courage to stand up for what you want. It takes too much courage to express your feelings, especially when you know that they won't even listen to a word of what you're saying.
I am not feeling like giving up. Not today. It's not like I'm 100 years old. I have lots of things to learn from life. Sounds a lot like a cliche, but I don't care at all. Anyway, I am okay with myself. Actually, I've been thinking that people confront me like I'm an alien, they even think I'm a girl with paranoia, but based on the fact that "I'm from a different era", I can do nothing but justify them.
I don't hope. I believe. You don't care. I do. I am not for you. You're not for me.
I guess, I just have to cope with these words. I'm not selfish, not really, I just don't want to change the way I'm seeing things. I won't be me then.
Actually, I've decided that it's high time I did the things I've wanted to do for so long. And for once more I hate the fact that I cannot come to a conclusion these days, which means my mind is too preoccupied thinking bullshits.
You know what? One of those days I'm gonna find a guy like that one above, who might be a gay. I know he is somewhere out there, he just hasn't showed up yet...