Τρίτη, 27 Ιουλίου 2010

This is not a fairytale

Once upon a time, there was a girl, her name was.. well it doesn't matter what her name was. That girl was all about love. She fell for a guy when she was really young, it was the very first time she got to know what love was. She had no worries then, she was happy and she never thought that things could go wrong with the two of them, so when they broke up it was terrible for her. Several months went by until she gathered the strength to stand up, and go on.
It was like she was hypnotized, she was so indifferent toward her environment, she did not even care if she looked ugly without make-up or if her hair wasn't fixed.
That girl, however, was not an ordinary one. She was always over thinking, she had always liked to observe people rather than live with them. She just enjoyed watching them go by, while she did nothing with her own life.
She tried very hard for her life though. She was a determined person. She felt very weak, but she didn't give up. Never. She always seemed so hopeful.
After getting into worthless relationships, she understood that she had to stop pretending, she realized that she had to sit down and get down to work. Work with herself. She had to stop pretending to be someone who she wasn't just to keep others happy. She had to stop feeling insecure all the time. She had to find herself. And love herself.
So, in the next two years, she decided that no one was getting in her way. There were times that she was feeling sad and depressed and lonely, but she had her friends by her side and to them, she owed much.
Then, she met a guy.. And she felt that special thing again. But nothing really happened with that guy. And so, she moved on, and she did not worry anymore.
She was feeling pretty good, she was much better than she was 3 years ago, yet something was missing. And then, she met another guy. Well, actually she got to know him before she even met him. In any case, she felt that something was pushing her to him, she felt like trying again, "maybe he is special", she thought.
I think, she wanted him badly, I don't know why, but I know she did.
She was hardly obeying to her mind, it was her heart she followed. She was afraid, cause he was a pretty smart guy, yet he looked a little bit confused and messed up. She was afraid because she didn't want to go through shit again. She liked him, but she didn't know how to behave, if she had to show it to him or not. If being herself was enough for him. So one day, he just got out of her life. He tried to explain, but she didn't understand. She felt for once more that something was wrong with her, that she had something that made people dislike her.
Now, that girl has not changed too much. She is getting rough lessons from life, but she still feels that she has no clue. Not even a small one. This time, however, at this point, she doesn't feel like trying. She just wishes she couldn't feel anything.
This is not a fairytale and it can't be one now. However, I think that there's a light of hope somewhere inside her. It's hard for her to talk right now. She just needs to stay in her room, turn off the lights and close her eyes.
And she wishes that one day this nightmare will come to an end. Maybe one day she'll find peace.

Δευτέρα, 26 Ιουλίου 2010

The one I'd love to find

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman

Well, I can't tell if this guy who said that is gay, but he surely isn't a normal man. I mean, he is talking about vulnerability, pain and even crying..
I've always thought men to be so cold and heartless- I still do.
I always wonder if a guy feels half of the things I feel about him.
Maybe I'm too biased, I don't know. Or just too upset right now.
It so happens that I agree- even with the smallest word in this quote. Maybe this is a side of love. Love. Hah. It sounds so funny. It has lost its meaning in our day and age. I'd be glad if I had existed 50 years ago. When expressing your feelings was not a bad thing, or an embarrassing one. When people had to go through real shit in their lives and yet they always made it. When couples did quarrel, but didn't break up after their first conflict. When a man offered a flower to his beloved one and it was like he was offering her the whole world. Nothing complicated. Just straight, simple things.
I have to admit that I sometimes feel like hating love, but if I do so I'll just become like the rest. I'll be weak too. Cause you know, it takes too much courage to stand up for what you want. It takes too much courage to express your feelings, especially when you know that they won't even listen to a word of what you're saying.
I am not feeling like giving up. Not today. It's not like I'm 100 years old. I have lots of things to learn from life. Sounds a lot like a cliche, but I don't care at all. Anyway, I am okay with myself. Actually, I've been thinking that people confront me like I'm an alien, they even think I'm a girl with paranoia, but based on the fact that "I'm from a different era", I can do nothing but justify them.
I don't hope. I believe. You don't care. I do. I am not for you. You're not for me.
I guess, I just have to cope with these words. I'm not selfish, not really, I just don't want to change the way I'm seeing things. I won't be me then.
Actually, I've decided that it's high time I did the things I've wanted to do for so long. And for once more I hate the fact that I cannot come to a conclusion these days, which means my mind is too preoccupied thinking bullshits.
You know what? One of those days I'm gonna find a guy like that one above, who might be a gay. I know he is somewhere out there, he just hasn't showed up yet...

Σάββατο, 24 Ιουλίου 2010

I'm done trying!

I'm tired..
Actually, sick and tired would be better if you want to get the whole picture.
Why do we have to make things complicated? I mean, I didn't ask for anything. Did I?
I've been living in this body for seventeen years and the only thing I that I have ever wanted was things to be SIMPLE!
Without stress, without agony. I just want to be happy, me, and the people around me.
Why is it so hard? Could someone give me a fucking good explanation?
Why did you have to make things complicated? What did I do? The only thing I wanted and still want to, unfortunately, is you. Okay, you might say that I'm a hopeless, melodramatic,romantic,stupid girl, but hey, say it.
At least, I'm not a bitch!
And keep that in mind. I am different and I'm proud of it. I fucking have feelings and I FEEL every single moment. I can feel the blood running through my veins, all over my body, I have a pulse also, you've felt it. I am a person with feelings and I just want to be happy with you. I don't know for how long, and I'm not going to tell you a 100 reasons why. I just do.
I like you. How do you say it in your language?
I feel horrible, cause I know that it's only me in here. I'm trying to make a move, "just to stay in the game", but how can it be a game when there's only one player?
There can't be.
At least, tell me the truth. It's important for me to know, don't you think?
I'm done trying. If you want me in your life, let me know. Bye...

Δευτέρα, 19 Ιουλίου 2010

[...]I feel the static

It's that thing again!
The over-thinking procedure. The over-analyzing little thing. That mixture of feelings.
The "I'm not sure yet" thing. There are so many things I really have to learn from life. So much I want to discover. The point is, I don't want to be alone in this.
It's a weird thing I can't say that I know you, I don't have any special moments to remember, but still something is pushing me.. To you.
It is said that you can't feel the same feelings you felt once, for someone, again. And it's true. Cause we are unique. If you treasure every single moment, you'll understand that it was so fucking special, but you'll also understand that it's not coming back. Well, this is not so disappointing though. You can always work it out. You see, there are no limits as far as the feelings are concerned. So, it's up to you to create a life where each moment is a gift.
I can't give a sufficient explanation and I don't want to. I just know that I FEEL YOU. I don't know why, I don't know how, I just know that I do. And it's a great thing. "I feel the static". Feel like I'm drawing on power from a source or something.
I close my eyes and not only can I picture every single moment, but also I can go back to that feeling. It's like you're overwhelming me. Like I can't resist. Feels like a sweet surrender. And yet I just can't describe it. Words are so cheap, you're right.
However, I have to say that I'm a bit worried knowing that you may not feel this way. I mean, we all need some time, it's not like I fell already but I know for sure that I could do it. Over and over again... I'm writing this piece of shit and I am confused. I just don't know how to handle life. I don't know what should I say, what should I not.. I just want you to know that it was great meeting you. No regrets, I promise! Just so you know, I'll do my best, but I'll just be me.. Just myself. I'll try to be as true as you are.
I needed to write this down.
I'm here for more than an hour and still my mind can't stop working. Well, at least you inspire me. So that's also good, I guess. I wish I had a clue. But maybe I really don't mind. I mean, I care about how YOU are feeling, but if you don't feel like trying it'll still be okay.. After all, everything's a matter of choice. We make our choices and live with them. This must be the most awful post ever, I think, I don't even know how to end. Well, saying "thank you" might be a good way. So, thanks, thanks for being you.

Δευτέρα, 12 Ιουλίου 2010

It was him!⇾A story⇽

He was my Jacob!
He really was. He was that guy whom I thought to be more as a friend to me, but still loved him in that special way.
Always so active, so joyful, he always had to do something!
When he smiled he seemed more peaceful, more serene like he was an innocent child, like he was giving you the whole world.
He ate a lot, slept a lot, no doubt he was a pure Jacob.
He was as stubborn as hell.
When I made the mistake to get him out of my life, he wouldn't answer to any of my messages or phone calls, he'd make me cry and be in pain for days, because no one could take his place.
He was the air, the sun, he was healthy for me and I knew it. I needed him in my life.
He was not like a drug to me, yet he was still so irreplaceable.
I couldn't realize it then.
I was so busy looking for an Edward.
It's like, I knew he was the right guy for me, I still know it. I had a pretty good time with him, he was always so crazy, so playful, I was glad to be with him.
But maybe this simple, yet overwhelming feeling, scared me to death.
I was afraid to be happy.
Afraid to get what I deserved.
Afraid to be next to a man who loved me so deeply and purely.
Afraid to set myself free.
Afraid to feel, to create a new world.
I was so absorbed in my seriousness. Maybe I couldn't accept a normal life.
I've always wanted to be in the process of doing something,
in the process of searching for that special like he would have made me happier than I was.
Now, I made my choices. I live with the consequences. It was him, my Jacob, but he'll just be a Jacob. Not that this is not enough. It's just not enough for me to fall for him.
I am wandering in my own world, in my own thoughts, yet I still remember my Jacob to this day.
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one, so I'm not giving in, not today, not tomorrow, NEVER.
I know what I want!

Πέμπτη, 8 Ιουλίου 2010

Φύλακες άγγελοι(;)

Λοιπόν, απόψε δεν ξέρω αν γράφω συγκεκριμένα ή αόριστα.
Συνήθως έχω ένα σχέδιο στο πίσω μέρος του μυαλού μου, ένα άτομο ή και περισσότερα ή έστω μια κατάσταση.
Απόψε δεν έχει σημασία.
Αυτοί που με γνωρίζουν καλά ξέρουν ότι έχω μια τάση να χρησιμοποιώ ουκ ολίγες φορές κάποια γνωμικά όταν μιλώ.
Θυμάμαι ότι κάποτε κατηγορήθηκα κάπως γι'αυτό, μου είχαν πει ότι δεν έχω τη δική μου άποψη.
Διαφωνώ, αφού ο καθένας από μας αντιλαμβάνεται υποκειμενικά τα πράγματα, οπότε ο καθένας χρησιμοποιεί διαφορετικά αυτά τα γνωμικά στη δική του ζωή. Πέραν απ'αυτό όμως, εξακολουθώ να πιστεύω στο μεγαλείο και το "αλάθητο" του χρόνου. Με το πέρασμα του διαπιστώνουμε ότι υπάρχουν όντως κάποια σοφά λόγια, που είναι αλήθειες.
Για να μην τα πολυλογώ, αν και τα συναισθήματα μου είναι ανάμεικτα απόψε, χαίρομαι ιδιαίτερα που ανακάλυψα άλλη μία αλήθεια.
Υπάρχουν πολλοί άνθρωποι που λένε πως τα άτομα που μπαίνουν στη ζωή μας χωρίζονται σε κατηγορίες. Αυτό δεν μου άρεσε ως ιδέα αρχικά γιατί ήθελα να πιστεύω ότι εμείς και μόνο εμείς ορίζουμε το χρονικό διάστημα που θα μείνουν(ή θα φύγουν) από τη ζωή μας.
Στην πορεία όμως, ανακάλυψα πως είναι αδύνατον να μένουν όλοι στη ζωή μας.
Κάποιοι φεύγουν, κάποιοι άλλοι έρχονται. Κάποιοι εξαφανίζονται εντελώς, ενώ κάποιοι άλλοι επανέρχονται. Κι όλα γίνονται για κάποιο λόγο. Αν γίνετε λίγο πιο παρατηρητικοί με τους ανθρώπους που βρίσκονται στη ζωή σας θα καταλάβετε ότι τίποτε δεν είναι τόσο τυχαίο όσο νομίζουμε. Πιστεύω ακράδαντα(και το έχω επιβεβαιώσει) ότι κάθε άτομο που έρχεται κοντά μας και τέλοσπαντων χτίζει μια σχέση μαζί μας, οποιουδήποτε είδους, προσπαθεί κάτι να μας μάθει.
Για να είμαι πιο σωστή, το ίδιο το άτομο δεν το επιδιώκει, όμως όλα είναι τόσο τέλεια προγραμματισμένα που φτάνει κοντά μας "στο κατάλληλο μέρος, την κατάλληλη στιγμή".
Προσωπικά, η "ομάδα" ατόμων που με ενθουσιάζει περισσότερο είναι αυτοί που έρχονται από το πουθενά, κι ενώ εσύ βρίσκεσαι στο απέραντο χάος, εκείνοι σε σώζουν. Σε νοιάζονται μ'ένα τρόπο τόσο τρυφερό, τόσο στοργικό που νιώθεις πως ό,τι κι αν κάνεις εσύ για χάρη τους θα'ναι λίγο.
Αν και δεν ασχολήθηκα ιδιαίτερα με μη γήινες υπάρξεις, ας μου επιτραπεί να τους χαρακτηρίσω ως "αγγέλους". Τέτοιου είδους σχέσεις φαίνονται άνισες. Και είναι.
Νιώθω λύπη. Η χαρά μου όμως τη νικά. Αυτά τα άτομα απλά πρέπει να φεύγουν. Το σημαντικό είναι να κρατάς αυτά που σου έδωσαν.
Εξάλλου, δε λένε ότι το ταξίδι είναι που μετρά;
Έχουμε πάντα την τάση να κοιτάμε την αρχή και το τέλος -όταν αυτό φτάσει-
Συνήθως, κάτι αρχίζει με χαρά και τελειώνει με λύπη. Αυτό όμως δεν είναι καθόλου αντιπροσωπευτικό για ό,τι ζήσαμε, ό,τι μάθαμε.
Και επειδή είναι ήδη αργά, θα κλείσω μ'αυτό κι ελπίζω να είστε χαρούμενοι, γιατί απλά υπήρξε:)
Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that makes it all worth living.

Παρασκευή, 2 Ιουλίου 2010

Όλο κάτι λείπει..

Πολλές φορές, με φοβίζει η σκέψη ότι αυτά που ζητάμε από το "σύμπαν", τον "Θεό", την ανώτατη δύναμη ή όπως εσείς προτιμάτε να το αποκαλείτε, βρίσκονται "τρομαχτικά" κοντά μας.
Φοβάμαι πολύ, γιατί πάντα περιμένω για ένα σημάδι, πάντα φοβάμαι να κάνω αυτό το βήμα και να πω "ναι, αυτό είναι κι επιτέλους βρίσκεται στα χέρια μου, μπορώ να το αγγίξω και να το νιώσω, είναι δικό μου, ήρθε όπως το ζήτησα, όταν το ζήτησα."
Θέλω να ξέρω, υπάρχει τρόπος να μάθουμε αν όντως είναι αυτό;
Πάντα είμαστε τόσο χαμένοι στα προβλήματα μας, στα πάθη μας, τα απωθημένα μας... Συνεχώς αναζητούμε το απαγορευμένο, ενώ βαθειά μέσα μας όλοι ξέρουμε πως δε θα είμαστε ποτέ ευτυχισμένοι μαζί του και στην τελική δε θα έχουμε δημιουργήσει αυτό που λέμε μία υγιή σχέση.
Πιστεύω πως
το σύμπαν είναι φιλικό, εμείς είμαστε εχθρικοί απέναντι του.

Κλείνουμε τα μάτια μας στο σωστό, σ'αυτό που τόσες φορές ζητάμε απεγνωσμένα..
Και όταν έρθει ξέρουμε ότι είναι εκεί, απλά πάντα βρίσκουμε ένα τρόπο να το αφανίζουμε. Δεν ξέρω, ίσως η ανθρώπινη φύση να φτιάχτηκε έτσι.
Φαντάζουν όλα σαν ένας φαύλος κύκλος, σαν μία κούρσα χωρίς τελειωμό.
Τελικά, ποτέ δεν ευχαριστιόμαστε με τίποτα, έτσι;
Δε γίνεται απλά να υπάρξει μία στιγμή που να είμαστε χαρούμενοι με τα δεδομένα που έχουμε; Γιατί πρέπει πάντα να λείπει κάτι;