No more (dull) thoughts

"Could you just stop thinking that he would have made you happier?
You know that he wouldn't, he couldn't. Besides, you can never measure happiness and you know that, too. You're a smart girl, aren't you?
He wouldn't have made you happier. He would just make you happy in a different way.
And what about Love? Aww, love. Codswallop! Neither love, nor happiness could ever be measured.
And you just shouldn't compare the way you are loved by each person. Because it so happens that we are all made to feel and love differently.
How do you see Love? What are your expectations? Who's the one you'd perfectly fall for? In other words, what do you need to live in order to say that you once lived and loved someone? Is it something specific? Can you write it down? Can you draw it? Whisper it? Can you imagine it or even have a dream of it?"
Oh, can't you just put a full stop? You, little devil. Stop analysing everything around you. Things have taken their way. Everything has been sorted out, finally. So, please stop thinking. Stop asking me questions. You're not going to get any answers. The silly girl you knew has been and gone. It's high time she changed.
Now she's capable enough to lead a happy life, without you. It's always been you, keeping her busy. Blurring her sight, driving her mad. Enough. Now she's living with a heart, she doesn't need you anymore.

Level no 0.

Hey there...
You noticed very well, I'm writing in English. This, is partly because I've missed my English-side. I've missed those short sentences, with those simple words. I think that Greek's a heavy language; because of its history, because of all those great people who used it. And right now I'm not in this "heavy" mood-not really.
I just want to write short, simple sentences. Just whatever is coming out first. I need to be simple and straightforward. No synonyms, no long descriptions, not even feelings.
I need to be simple because I feel that the time has come again.
There's a big gap, a big hole again inside my chest, that I need time to cover up.
Writing in English is a good start-that's what I think. No long posts for a while-I promise!-
I'm in need of my self as a friend. You know, there comes a time when everything goes wrong in your life. Or it seems so, anyway. There comes a time when you desperately look out for someone. A good listener perhaps. But then again, you are not in the mood to talk. So you know that the best thing to do is shrink. Right, to shrink within yourself. That's what you really need to do. It's that time when you feel that yourself is both a friend and a foe- it's like you were in a struggle before and now you need to find peace within you.
To be honest, I really don't know how I'll get out of this maze- but  there's one thing I know for sure; I will. Like I always do. Like we always do.
A lot of people say "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". Who am I to disagree?

No love, no glory.

“I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel; like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart .And how I need you in my life. And especially, how much I want you.But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside. Sometimes, I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know.”

Why do I always have to fall for the wrong person?
And in the first place, who could ever give an exact definition of what is right or wrong?
A heart is an uncontrollable thing.
What a stupid lamb I am..
But hey, I'm not alone in this. Life is a circle, a mean one.
We always long for the ones we can't have. We worship the forbidden. I have always wondered why it has to be like that. Maybe it's another way for us to realize that life has never been an easy thing. So, you have to fight. For every single thing that you want. It's an unstoppable battle.
Although I'm not sure who is losing and who is winning at this moment..

P.S. Love takes hostages.

So black&white.

I'll see you tonight in the back of my mind.
When you would dress me in white with the look in your eyes.
Nobody's perfect, but I'm perfectly happy to keep on bringing this love down off the shelf.
Don't know where to put you anymore.
I am humbled, I feel small and plain.
"His fingers are music to my soul.
And I feel his song play everywhere I go.
I won't need answers I'll just know.
Cause I've read the sonnets about his soul.
He can be ordinary in the best ways."
...And still dance like a poet through every word he says.
Every now and then I lose sight of the good life
I get stuck in a low light
"But then Love comes in..."
How far do I have to go to get to you?
Many the miles!
I can't keep on waiting to live.
There's too many things I haven't done yet.
Too many sunsets I haven't seen.
Sleepless nights you creep inside of me.
You take more than just my sanity.
"The time that I've taken, I pray is not wasted.
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?"
Your unexpected love provides my solitary's suicide...oh I wish I knew!
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
"I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain."
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile, when I thought that I was strong.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
"But you're on to me and all over me.
You're neither friend nor foe, though I can't seem to let you go."
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.
"You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long."

Many thanks to S.B.

I bet...

I bet you didn't know that she cried herself to sleep every night, thinking of you, replaying everything you ever said, everything you ever did and... wondering where she went wrong.
I bet you didn't know that seeing you was not the only way that made her think of you.
You didn't know that she didn't want to run away from you. You didn't know how hard she struggled with herself. Feelings coming straight from her heart whispering to her ears to stay... Common sense telling her to stop caring about you.
But how could she in the first place? People say that you shouldn't make someone your everything because when they are gone you have nothing. However, when you went your separate ways she did have some things. Memories accompanied her lonely nights, sweet melodies kept her heart warm and her love for you made her stronger, not weak, but stronger, because she knew she had a worthwhile reason to exist.
I still bet you didn't know how loneliness became an awful habit for her. You didn't know how many times she picked up the phone back then, and how fast she would type and erase your phone number..Type. Erase. Type. Erase. Type. Erase. And then the hole in her chest would grow bigger and bigger, because she was terribly missing you, like a small child misses his mother and no one else can take her exceptional place.
Though she was dying to hear your voice-she missed that overwhelming feeling she got everytime you spoke to her- she would just deprive herself of that little pleasure. Not because she was angry at you, but because she didn't know what was the right thing to do at that time. So, remaining silent seemed the most appropriate way to go through that confusion. I bet you didn't know that her happiest moments weren't complete if you were not by her side. You didn't know how she treasured the time spent with you. Did you know anything at all? Who was that girl? Why did she always look kind of sad, kind of thoughtful? I bet you didn't know, did you?

Sometimes I wish you would pay more attention to my favourite songs..

You wrote me letters
I didn't read.
I know I didn't,
You know I didn't,
Still I caressed you
sang you to sleep.
sometimes I told you you were beautiful.
Brazilian sea amazes me..


The day I left you,
Got on the bus.
I knew I'd see you,
You knew I'd see you,
Still you cried, and now I know why.
Ain't it too bad?
I loved you so much!
Brazilian sea amazes me..

I don't know who you are, but you made my day!

You know, as (my) life goes on, I just keep on realizing that happiness is always hidden behind those little things, which usually(and unfortunately)do not last for a long time, but you can always keep them in mind. (and inside your heart of course)
You just walked through that door, you smiled at me and made my day a little brighter.
And, imagine I didn't even know you(well how could I in any case) but it doesn't bother me at all. If it worked with you, it could work with so many other people.
I don't believe that life is easy or simple, but I do believe that we can make it and live it the way WE want it, so if we want to, we can make it seem a little simpler, brighter and worth living it.
Maybe there are no secret recipes that lead to happiness, wealth or love.
We just have to be more observant and graceful with those around us. And who knows, one day, out of nowhere, lightning could strike.
P.S. I know this post is not very long, so I'll keep it up to date, it's going to be like a lil list for people, or stuff that make my day(s) just so you can see that we can draw strength and courage from a usual day of our life.

01/09/2010: I received my 1st email at ISN! :) too bad I'm leaving on Friday:(

This is not a fairytale

Once upon a time, there was a girl, her name was.. well it doesn't matter what her name was. That girl was all about love. She fell for a guy when she was really young, it was the very first time she got to know what love was. She had no worries then, she was happy and she never thought that things could go wrong with the two of them, so when they broke up it was terrible for her. Several months went by until she gathered the strength to stand up, and go on.
It was like she was hypnotized, she was so indifferent toward her environment, she did not even care if she looked ugly without make-up or if her hair wasn't fixed.
That girl, however, was not an ordinary one. She was always over thinking, she had always liked to observe people rather than live with them. She just enjoyed watching them go by, while she did nothing with her own life.
She tried very hard for her life though. She was a determined person. She felt very weak, but she didn't give up. Never. She always seemed so hopeful.
After getting into worthless relationships, she understood that she had to stop pretending, she realized that she had to sit down and get down to work. Work with herself. She had to stop pretending to be someone who she wasn't just to keep others happy. She had to stop feeling insecure all the time. She had to find herself. And love herself.
So, in the next two years, she decided that no one was getting in her way. There were times that she was feeling sad and depressed and lonely, but she had her friends by her side and to them, she owed much.
Then, she met a guy.. And she felt that special thing again. But nothing really happened with that guy. And so, she moved on, and she did not worry anymore.
She was feeling pretty good, she was much better than she was 3 years ago, yet something was missing. And then, she met another guy. Well, actually she got to know him before she even met him. In any case, she felt that something was pushing her to him, she felt like trying again, "maybe he is special", she thought.
I think, she wanted him badly, I don't know why, but I know she did.
She was hardly obeying to her mind, it was her heart she followed. She was afraid, cause he was a pretty smart guy, yet he looked a little bit confused and messed up. She was afraid because she didn't want to go through shit again. She liked him, but she didn't know how to behave, if she had to show it to him or not. If being herself was enough for him. So one day, he just got out of her life. He tried to explain, but she didn't understand. She felt for once more that something was wrong with her, that she had something that made people dislike her.
Now, that girl has not changed too much. She is getting rough lessons from life, but she still feels that she has no clue. Not even a small one. This time, however, at this point, she doesn't feel like trying. She just wishes she couldn't feel anything.
This is not a fairytale and it can't be one now. However, I think that there's a light of hope somewhere inside her. It's hard for her to talk right now. She just needs to stay in her room, turn off the lights and close her eyes.
And she wishes that one day this nightmare will come to an end. Maybe one day she'll find peace.

The one I'd love to find

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman


Well, I can't tell if this guy who said that is gay, but he surely isn't a normal man. I mean, he is talking about vulnerability, pain and even crying..
I've always thought men to be so cold and heartless- I still do.
I always wonder if a guy feels half of the things I feel about him.
Maybe I'm too biased, I don't know. Or just too upset right now.
It so happens that I agree- even with the smallest word in this quote. Maybe this is a side of love. Love. Hah. It sounds so funny. It has lost its meaning in our day and age. I'd be glad if I had existed 50 years ago. When expressing your feelings was not a bad thing, or an embarrassing one. When people had to go through real shit in their lives and yet they always made it. When couples did quarrel, but didn't break up after their first conflict. When a man offered a flower to his beloved one and it was like he was offering her the whole world. Nothing complicated. Just straight, simple things.
I have to admit that I sometimes feel like hating love, but if I do so I'll just become like the rest. I'll be weak too. Cause you know, it takes too much courage to stand up for what you want. It takes too much courage to express your feelings, especially when you know that they won't even listen to a word of what you're saying.
I am not feeling like giving up. Not today. It's not like I'm 100 years old. I have lots of things to learn from life. Sounds a lot like a cliche, but I don't care at all. Anyway, I am okay with myself. Actually, I've been thinking that people confront me like I'm an alien, they even think I'm a girl with paranoia, but based on the fact that "I'm from a different era", I can do nothing but justify them.
I don't hope. I believe. You don't care. I do. I am not for you. You're not for me.
I guess, I just have to cope with these words. I'm not selfish, not really, I just don't want to change the way I'm seeing things. I won't be me then.
Actually, I've decided that it's high time I did the things I've wanted to do for so long. And for once more I hate the fact that I cannot come to a conclusion these days, which means my mind is too preoccupied thinking bullshits.
You know what? One of those days I'm gonna find a guy like that one above, who might be a gay. I know he is somewhere out there, he just hasn't showed up yet...

I'm done trying!

I'm tired..
Actually, sick and tired would be better if you want to get the whole picture.
Why do we have to make things complicated? I mean, I didn't ask for anything. Did I?
I've been living in this body for seventeen years and the only thing I that I have ever wanted was things to be SIMPLE!
Without stress, without agony. I just want to be happy, me, and the people around me.
Why is it so hard? Could someone give me a fucking good explanation?
Why did you have to make things complicated? What did I do? The only thing I wanted and still want to, unfortunately, is you. Okay, you might say that I'm a hopeless, melodramatic,romantic,stupid girl, but hey, say it.
At least, I'm not a bitch!
And keep that in mind. I am different and I'm proud of it. I fucking have feelings and I FEEL every single moment. I can feel the blood running through my veins, all over my body, I have a pulse also, you've felt it. I am a person with feelings and I just want to be happy with you. I don't know for how long, and I'm not going to tell you a 100 reasons why. I just do.
I like you. How do you say it in your language?
I feel horrible, cause I know that it's only me in here. I'm trying to make a move, "just to stay in the game", but how can it be a game when there's only one player?
There can't be.
At least, tell me the truth. It's important for me to know, don't you think?
I'm done trying. If you want me in your life, let me know. Bye...

[...]I feel the static

It's that thing again!
The over-thinking procedure. The over-analyzing little thing. That mixture of feelings.
The "I'm not sure yet" thing. There are so many things I really have to learn from life. So much I want to discover. The point is, I don't want to be alone in this.
It's a weird thing I can't say that I know you, I don't have any special moments to remember, but still something is pushing me.. To you.
It is said that you can't feel the same feelings you felt once, for someone, again. And it's true. Cause we are unique. If you treasure every single moment, you'll understand that it was so fucking special, but you'll also understand that it's not coming back. Well, this is not so disappointing though. You can always work it out. You see, there are no limits as far as the feelings are concerned. So, it's up to you to create a life where each moment is a gift.
I can't give a sufficient explanation and I don't want to. I just know that I FEEL YOU. I don't know why, I don't know how, I just know that I do. And it's a great thing. "I feel the static". Feel like I'm drawing on power from a source or something.
I close my eyes and not only can I picture every single moment, but also I can go back to that feeling. It's like you're overwhelming me. Like I can't resist. Feels like a sweet surrender. And yet I just can't describe it. Words are so cheap, you're right.
However, I have to say that I'm a bit worried knowing that you may not feel this way. I mean, we all need some time, it's not like I fell already but I know for sure that I could do it. Over and over again... I'm writing this piece of shit and I am confused. I just don't know how to handle life. I don't know what should I say, what should I not.. I just want you to know that it was great meeting you. No regrets, I promise! Just so you know, I'll do my best, but I'll just be me.. Just myself. I'll try to be as true as you are.
I needed to write this down.
I'm here for more than an hour and still my mind can't stop working. Well, at least you inspire me. So that's also good, I guess. I wish I had a clue. But maybe I really don't mind. I mean, I care about how YOU are feeling, but if you don't feel like trying it'll still be okay.. After all, everything's a matter of choice. We make our choices and live with them. This must be the most awful post ever, I think, I don't even know how to end. Well, saying "thank you" might be a good way. So, thanks, thanks for being you.

It was him!⇾A story⇽

He was my Jacob!
He really was. He was that guy whom I thought to be more as a friend to me, but still loved him in that special way.
Always so active, so joyful, he always had to do something!
When he smiled he seemed more peaceful, more serene like he was an innocent child, like he was giving you the whole world.
He ate a lot, slept a lot, no doubt he was a pure Jacob.
He was as stubborn as hell.
When I made the mistake to get him out of my life, he wouldn't answer to any of my messages or phone calls, he'd make me cry and be in pain for days, because no one could take his place.
He was the air, the sun, he was healthy for me and I knew it. I needed him in my life.
He was not like a drug to me, yet he was still so irreplaceable.
I couldn't realize it then.
I was so busy looking for an Edward.
It's like, I knew he was the right guy for me, I still know it. I had a pretty good time with him, he was always so crazy, so playful, I was glad to be with him.
But maybe this simple, yet overwhelming feeling, scared me to death.
I was afraid to be happy.
Afraid to get what I deserved.
Afraid to be next to a man who loved me so deeply and purely.
Afraid to set myself free.
Afraid to feel, to create a new world.
I was so absorbed in my seriousness. Maybe I couldn't accept a normal life.

I've always wanted to be in the process of doing something,

in the process of searching for that special like he would have made me happier than I was.
Now, I made my choices. I live with the consequences. It was him, my Jacob, but he'll just be a Jacob. Not that this is not enough. It's just not enough for me to fall for him.
I am wandering in my own world, in my own thoughts, yet I still remember my Jacob to this day.
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one, so I'm not giving in, not today, not tomorrow, NEVER.
I know what I want!

Untitled

I don't like to show myself off.
I never liked it.
I actually hate people who do this.
Maybe, I got a problem.
But the meaning is hidden behind the word.
SHOW OFF=to try to make people admire you and think you are attractive, clever, funny etc..
But you know what?
YOU'RE JUST FAKE.
You know, I could be like that as well.
But the truth is ugly, isn't it?
However, I prefer the truth. This is what I'm living for.
Sometimes I wish we couldn't see.
Our eyes can be so deceiving. We are being deceived. ALL THE TIME!
Why should I put on a smile and pretend that I'm ok?
No, life isn't about laughing and smiling and being happy all day.
So, I try to treasure every single moment.
I smile, when I REALLY feel like it...
And I don't try to hinder the tears from streaming down my face when I'm sad.
Just tell me you guys...
Why do you like being fake?
Is it normal to wear a mask for your whole life?
Life is full of different boxes.
I want to open them.
If I feel like crying I'll do it.
If I feel like screaming because I'm so fucking happy, I'll do it.
If I feel like falling in love, I won't stop it.
I won't keep myself away from these feelings.
But heck no, don't you just fuck life!
Give yourself some time.
Think.
Dream.
Plan.
Feel.
Love.
But just do it when you really want it.
Stop taking silly photos of yourself where you SEEM to be happy.
Stop pretending.
You should demand people to love you for what you are.
Don't you dare to change yourself for anyone, because it'll be a fatal mistake.
You just need to appreciate yourself...

If you like "shows", make your own.
Call it,"The show of your life."
You're unique. Believe it.